


Outtakes for Like A Dove

by audreyii_fic



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Outtakes, Public Sex, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-09
Updated: 2012-07-09
Packaged: 2017-11-09 12:31:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/455487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audreyii_fic/pseuds/audreyii_fic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Outtakes I've written for the Jacob/Bella stories "Sunlight and Hangovers" and "Unimpressed" by Like A Dove.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

__Outtake from[ _Sunlight and Hangovers_](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5976203/1/Sunlight_And_Hangovers) wherein they're playing a "Sunlight" drinking game and tipsy Bella and Jake have sexy times. __

**[Romance/Humor. R.]**

**  
**

* * *

 

_Bella grabbed the book and held it out in front of her. "Aww, Bea is begging Edgar to turn her into a zombie so that they can eat flesh together! But no, he just kisses her noggin," she slurred._

_Jacob grabbed the book and shoved it back into the standee. "I can feel my mind melting!"_

_  
_

* * *

 

"That's not the best part," Bella said, snatching the book back and flipping through it. "My employee told me about... oh, here we go." Her fingers felt a little numb, trying to turn the ragged-edged paper (done to make the book feel more classic, or something), but she managed. "There it is. 'His eyes, a shining purple'..."

" _'Purple'?_ You're shitting me." Jacob leaned over her shoulder to look at the page, and his hair brushing against her cheek. He smelled like ocean and campfire. " _That's_ the proof of his zombiehood? _Purple eyes?"_

"Apparently so. Scary, huh?" Bella turned her face to grin at Jake... only to realize that his face was less than an inch from her's. She gulped at his very-not-purple eyes dropped to her lips.

"Well," Jacob said huskily, "you know what this means. There's only one thing to do now."

"What?" she replied breathlessly. She had no idea what he was talking about and she really didn't care, quite frankly, because if he tilted forward just a _little_ bit they could start doing what she'd been dreaming of for _five damn years..._

...then he leaned back, pulled a silver flask out of his back pocket, and shook it in front of her nose, grinning. "Drinking game!"

Bella blinked.

 

* * *

 

Flip flip flip. "Plum!"

Drink.

Flip flip flip. "Violet!"

Drink.

Flip flip flip. "Amethyst!"

"No, we did amethyst already."

"We did?"

"Yeah, back when he was taking her to the nurse's office, after the sheep brain dissection in biology class, remember?"

"Oh, right. How did you remember that?"

"Because this is so bad that it's burning into _my_ brain."

"And who uses 'amethyst' twice?"

"Bad writers." Flip flip flip. "Lilac!"

Drink.

Flip flip flip. "Puce!"

"She did _not_ say puce."

"Yes she did! Right there, see? Page 189."

"...she did. Are you fucking kidding? _Puce?"_

"Is puce even really purple?"

"I think so, but it doesn't look like lilac or anything."

"So sometimes his eyes are light purple and sometimes they're-"

"-puce."

"I don't understand this book at all."

"Me neither." Flip flip flip. "Pomegranate!"

Drink.

 

* * *

 

"Okay," Jacob said, snapping the book shut, "we're done."

Bella blinked woozily. "But we're only halfway through!"

"I know, but if we keep this up, we're going to die of alcohol poisoning."

"You wouldn't," she grumbled, shifting. Her ass was starting to hurt from sitting on the lineoleum. "You're a werewolf. You'd probably just grow another liver. Like Prometheus."

"Who?"

Bella pointed at the Greek Mythology shelf. "Remind me to get you one of those. They're a lot better than this zombie crap."

"Good to know." And Jacob tossed _Sunlight_ across the room. It hit a wall, denting the spine, and Bella made an indignant noise. "No worries, Bells," he said, patting her head. "I'll pay for it. And we'll have another bonfire."

"You better." Ow. She was definitely getting a cramp in her left buttcheek. Why was she even sitting on the floor, when there was a better alternative? Bella lifted herself (the room spun just a little) and plopped into Jacob's lap.

"Uh, Bells?"

"Yeah?" She leaned back against his chest. Ooh, warm. She was starting to get some ideas.

"You know you're sitting on me, right?"

"Yep."

"Okay." Jacob's hands came down to rest on her thighs, where his thumbs started tracing circles against the fabric of her jeans. It felt good. This night just kept getting better and better. "Mmm," she hummed, closing her eyes. His fingers stopped moving, and she frowned. "What?"

"Bells?" His voice was husky, and she could feel his lips brush her earlobe. She pressed back against him instinctually (oh, that felt good, too), and his fingers dug into the flesh of her thighs, just a little. "Bells," he said again, "I really kind of need to know how drunk you are."

Bella wriggled around to face him, straddling his lap... and almost cheered at the feel of the tell-tale bulge pressing against her hip. His all-kinds-of-not-purple eyes were dialated. "I've had the same as you."

Jacob groaned. "Yeah, but in case you hadn't noticed, I'm a lot bigger than you, and I'm used to drinking."

She leaned forward and nuzzled into his neck, which felt good and smelled good and (she confirmed with a lick that made him jump) tasted good. "I had, in fact, noticed that you're bigger than me. But I think we'll manage."

Jacob groaned again, but it was a different kind of groan. Bella took that as an invitation to really go to work, pressing little butterfly kisses along his collarbone, up the pulsing vein of his neck, before slowly - slowly - nibbling just underneath his jawline. She punctuated a nip of his earlobe with a roll of her hips against the bulge. He hissed and grabbed her waist. "Okay, Bells, really. How drunk?"

She knocked her forehead into his shoulder a little harder than strictly necessary. "You're annoyingly chivalrous, you know that?"

"Chivalry," he said, "has nothing to do with it. It's just that I want you to _remember_ the best sex of your life tomorrow morning."

Bella pulled back and squinted at Jacob. Or tried to. His face wasn't focusing that well. "What makes you so sure you'll be the best?"

"Animal intuition. Plus, I've rehearsed it in my head a _lot_." Jacob looked into her face, then sighed. "You're really, really wasted."

Her shoulders slumped. "Yeah."

"Shit. I should never have suggested that drinking game. This is all _Sunlight_ 's fault."

"Yeah." The tension had slipped out of the moment, and Bella was left feeling very tired all of the sudden. Tired, and achy - both in her head and between her legs. She leaned into Jacob, resting her face in the crook of his neck. "Can I have a raincheck?"

"If you want one, sure."

"Of course I do," she said sleepily. "I've rehearsed too."

There was a long pause. "Really?"

"Yep."

 

* * *

  


_  
She snuggled in closer to Jake, sleep and a dull ache beginning to pound into her head._

"Bells?" Jacob said slowly, his own body beginning to unwind as well. "You probably won't remember this, but after all this time I still…" He hesitated.

__

"Yeah?" Bella asked, her voice just barely a whisper.

__

_"…I still love you." He placed his head on top of hers and closed his eyes. "Definitely still love you."_


	2. Chapter 2

_Do you wanna do an_[ _Unimpressed_](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6103084/1/Unimpressed) _outtake? I didn't get to write the scene between chapters 2 and 3 wherein Mia and Embry discuss their little fake dating plan involving Bella._

**[set between chapters 2 and 3 of[Unimpressed](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6103084/1/Unimpressed). Humor. R.]**

**  
**

* * *

 

_Ring ring ring._

A groan.

_Ring ring ring._

A hand slapping at a nightstand for a cellphone. Papers falling to the floor. A lamp tipping over.

_Ring ring ring._

A click. "What?"

_"Hey, sunshine."_

Embry blinked several times, taking the cell away from his ear to look at the screen. He didn't recognize the number, but he was pretty sure he recognized the voice... "Uh, Mia? Is that you?"

_"Well, I seriously doubt any **other** girl would be calling you at three in the morning."_

He glanced at the clock. "Uh, yeah, no. Geez, why _are_ you calling me at three in the morning?" His face lit up with a sudden grin. "Is it a booty call? 'Cause I can be there in fifteen-"

_" **No.** Jeez. I don't fuck people who paint dicks on my diner."_

"It was a _dare_."

_"It was a **dick**. On **my** **diner.** So, no, you won't be getting any late night booty calls from me. Not **ever**."_

Embry frowned.

_"I'm actually calling because I want to you be Bella's booty call."_

The phone dropped from Embry's hand, bounced off the mattress, and landed on the floor. "Shit!" He could hear Mia's tinny _"Embry? Can you hear me?"_ as he leaned over the edge of the bed and felt through the tissues, dirty socks, and general junk that had accumulated on the floor until he found the cell again. "Sorry. Um, so, sorry, Mia, but I am really _not_ going to fuck Bella Swan. I want to live to see my next birthday, thanks."

_"I don't want you to **actually** fuck her, you idiot. I just want you to make **Jacob** think you're fucking her."_

"Oh, well, like _that's_ going to be so much better. I have my whole life ahead of me, Mia. I've never been to New York. I've never eaten sushi. I've never gone skiing."

_"So what?"_

"So I won't get to do _any_ of those things if Jacob Black thinks I'm fucking Isabella Swan. Because I will be _dead_. Not merely dead - really most sincerely dead. My mom will have to have a closed casket funeral."

_"...you're kind of a drama queen, you know that?"_

Embry shook his head. "No, just a realist."

_"Well, anyway, I really don't give a shit about your fears for life and limb. You **painted a dick on the outside of my diner.** You fuckin' **owe** me. So you're going to act like you're fucking Bella's skinny butt and you **love** it."_

"But _why_?" Embry whined.

_"Because it'll drive Jacob **crazy**. And then he'll get all jealous, and then he'll dump the bitchskank-"_

"Haley."

_"-Haley, and then Jacob and Bella can be together and we can congratulate ourselves on a job well done. And I'll let you off the hook for the giant dick. How's that sound?"_

"Um, okay..." Embry shook his head. "Are you sure that will work?"

_A snort. "Of course it will work. Men are stupid."_

Embry couldn't really argue with that. "Am I going to get some kind of hazard pay for this? 'Cause, seriously, there is a _very_ good chance that Jacob is going to kick my ass eight ways from Sunday."

_"How about pie?"_

"How about a date?"

_"How about pressing charges for property damage?"_

"How about pie?"

_"Done. Come by the diner tomorrow, we'll work out the rest of the details."_

"Okay, sounds good." Embry was really not sure how he got himself into these situations. He glanced at the clock again. "Uh, Mia? Why did you have to call at three in the morning to set this up?"

_"Because you painted a **giant dick on the outside of my diner** and you don't deserve a good night's sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."_

Click.

A cell phone set down on a nightstand. A sigh. A rustle of blankets. And a very quiet, very amused chuckle.


	3. Chapter 3

_[Unimpressed](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6103084/1/Unimpressed) sleepover outtake between chapters 6 and 7._

_  
_

 

It was raining when Embry showed up at the diner. And not just your usual Olympic Peninsula mist; it was like someone had turned a faucet on in the heavens, and the buckets of water coming out of the night sky had turned the streets into rivers and the parking lot into a wading pool.  
  
Mia crossed her arms after she unlocked the front door, taking in Embry's soaked clothes and squelchy sneakers. "I just mopped," she said as a way of greeting.  
  
"Thanks, Mia, I feel the love. Lemme in, it's cold." Not that the cold actually bothered Embry that much, but it sounded good.  
  
She rolled her eyes and stepped out of the way. Embry's (probably ruined, dammit) shoes squeaked on the tile, and without thinking about it, he shook the water out of his hair like a dog.  
  
"Ugh!" Mia gave him a horrified look and whacked him on the shoulder. "What part of _I just mopped_ did you not hear, you idiot?!"  
  
"Oops." Embry glanced around at the droplets of water he'd sprayed everywhere... and the muddy footprints... and the puddles... "Um, yeah, sorry about that. Force of habit."  
  
"Uh-huh. Fuck, don't move." Mia shook her head as she disappeared into the back room, and Embry could've sworn he overheard some grumblings along the lines of _Like a fuckin' golden retriever_.  
  
Embry bit back a smile.  
  
When Mia returned, she had a shabby towel in one hand and a mop in the other. "Dry off and mop up," she snapped, thrusting both objects into Embry's hands. "Jeez. I don't know why I put up with you."  
  
"My stunning good looks," he said, towelling off his hair.  
  
Mia snorted, going behind the counter.  
  
"My winning personality?"  
  
An eyeroll.  
  
"The fact that you need me to manipulate our friends?"  
  
" _That's_ the one," Mia said, pulling a bottle of beer out of the cooler. "Though I'm starting to think I should have just pretended to be Bella's lesbian lover and left _you_ out of it entirely."  
  
The mental images came fast and furious, and Embry dropped the mop with a clatter. Hot. Damn.  
  
Mia looked up in surprise, saw the expression on Embry's face, and rolled her eyes so hard that Embry was sure she was going to damage her retinas. " _Men_.."  
  
"No, wait, that sounds like a _great_ idea, is it too late to do that?"  
  
" _Yes_. Now start cleaning."  
  
***  
  
Mia stayed perched on the counter with her legs crossed while Embry scrubbed the muddied floor, taking swigs of her beer, occasionally offering  sarcastic comments on his lack of cleaning skills. She had a habit of putting the neck of the bottle about an inch into her mouth when she drank.  
  
Watching her lips close around the beer, Embry may have taken just a little bit longer than necessary to get the mud off the floor.  
  
"So," Mia said after Embry had finally cleaned the tile to her satisfaction, "The Plan. It's time to take it to the Phase Two." She tossed him a beer.  
  
He caught it deftly. "What does Phase Two look like?"  
  
"I'm thinking," she said, "that we need to add more alcohol to the equation. That shit at the beach? That was great. Jacob obviously finds Drunk Bella irresistible."  
  
Embry rolled his eyes. "Trust me, Jacob finds _all_ Bellas irresistible. Drunk Bella, Sick Bella, Crazy Bella, In-Love-With-Someone-Else Bella. He'd gnaw off his own arm for her if he thought it might make her smile. Honestly, I'm surprised he's held out against The Plan for this long."  
  
Mia frowned thoughtfully. "Maybe he really _does_ like the Haley bitchskank."  
  
"Maybe. It's pretty unlike him, though." Embry shrugged, sitting down on the edge of a booth table. "But, what the hell do I know, I've only known her a month."  
  
"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, Drunk Bella is a particularly special case, I think. A drunk chick always _is_ for a guy who's really into her."  
  
"How do you figure?"  
  
"Because she's hot _and_ vulnerable," Mia explained. "There's the whole 'fun and cute and affectionate' thing that drunk chicks do, which guys love, especially if they want to take off their clothes. Then there's the part where they run off at the mouth, which a guy obviously can't fuckin' resist if he wants to know what she's thinking, which if he's _really_ interested he definitely does. But most importantly, there's the fact that she usually needs help and/or protecting, which brings out all that instinctive 'must protect the little woman' shit. Drunk chicks almost always wake up in better places with their prospective guy, unless she puked on him. But sometimes even then."  
  
Embry's mouth was open. "Okay, I don't know if I should be impressed or insulted by that analysis. Guys aren't _that_ simple."  
  
"Oh, yes they are." Mia took another swig of her beer. "So what we'll do is come up with another chance to get Bella liquored up, with Jacob there and Bitchskank not. Then, I don't know... how about you get extra handsy--"  
  
"Wait, what?"  
  
"--and Jacob will have to come to her rescue--"  
  
"You really _are_ trying to get me killed!"  
  
"--which means he'll get to do the knight in shining armor thing, too--"  
  
"Hold it, hold it, just fuckin' hold it." Embry shook his head, eyes wide. "Look, I know I painted a dick on your diner--"  
  
Mia scowled.  
  
"--but, c'mon. If I get handsy with Bella, Jake will snap those hands right off. The punishment's a little disproportionate to the crime."  
  
She raised an eyebrow. "What are you saying? You can't take Jacob?"  
  
Embry frowned. His manhood had been insulted. "No, I'm not saying that."  
  
"Because," Mia continued innocently, uncrossing and recrossing her legs, "if you're _scared_ of him, then that's a different matter."  
  
He grumbled low in his chest. "I'm not scared. It would just get really, really ugly. Jake's my _friend_ , Mia, and I'd still like him to _be_ my friend after all this. If we start breaking each other's bones, the chances of that diminish. We've been pals since we ate the same paste in kindergarten. I want him to get with Bella, but that's a lot to sacrifice."  
  
Mia smiled, and surprisingly, it was only half-sarcastic. "Aw. That's sweet. Do you go jeans shopping together, too, and check for penis outlines?"  
  
Embry furrowed his brow in confusion. "Huh?"  
  
"You know, like in Superbad."  
  
"What?"  
  
Mia nearly dropped her beer bottle. "Don't tell me," she said in appalled tones, "that you haven't seen Superbad."  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"What the _fuck_?" Mia exploded, hopping off the counter. "Are you fucking kidding? It's one of the greatest fucking movies _ever!_ I mean, Seth. Fucking. Rogan. As a _cop_. How can you miss shit like that?!"  
  
"I don't know," Embry shrugged, secretly happy that he _hadn't_ seen Superbad, because Mia's reaction was really funny and when she hopped her boobs bounced. "I don't get out to a lot of movies."  
  
"Shit. You are fucking _ignorant_ , Call, you really are. Your education has failed you."  
  
"And," Embry said innocently, just to add fuel to the fire, "who is Seth Rogen?"  
  
Mia froze, staring at him blankly, and for a moment Embry thought she was actually going to explode. But instead, she turned sharply on her heel and strode into the back room. "This can't go on," she yelled, her voice muffled. There was a clatter. "I just can _not_ allow you to continue on in the world with this level of ignorance."  
  
"Are you going to educate me?" Embry called back. "Are you going to dress like a school teacher?"  
  
"In your dreams!" That was kind of true, actually. There was another crash. "Shit!"  
  
"Do you need some help?"  
  
"Fuck no! You stay out of my office, moron, you'll only make it worse!"  
  
When Mia finally emerged, she was somehow managing to juggle a laptop, a DVD case, and an armful of blankets. "Okay, _now_ you can help me," she huffed.  
  
Embry leapt off the table and pulled the laptop and the DVD off the top of the pile before they fell to the floor. "Jeez, what's all this?"  
  
Mia dropped the blankets -- and, Embry saw, sleeping bags -- onto the floor with a soft plop. "We're watching Superbad. Now."  
  
Embry started to smile. "And having a sleepover?"  
  
"May as well," Mia said, checking her watch and glancing through the windows, where the rain was still coming down in sheets. "It's after midnight anyway, and I have to open in the morning, so I was planning on crashing here anyhow. Besides, it's apocalyptic outside. You might as well stay and get an early start on the painting."  
  
Embry's smile grew into a grin. "Well, if you're asking me to spend the night--"  
  
Mia whapped him in the chest, then winced, flexing her hand. "Fuck, you're hard."  
  
To his credit, Embry managed not to say anything in response, which is why he lived to see the next day.  
  
Mia disappeared behind the counter, grabbing another handful of beers. "Get the movie started, will you?"  
  
***  
  
"Am I high?"  
  
"No, idiot, it's only the credits."  
  
"...no, seriously, I'm high, right?"  
  
"Jesus. If you can't even handle a trippy-style opening, you are _never_ going to make it through this movie."  
  
"So I'm not high?"  
  
"Shut up, Call."  
  
***  
  
"Whoa. The geek's mom has a nice rack."  
  
"Yeah, she does. Even I'd do her."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Embry?"  
  
"Just enjoying the mental image, Mia."  
  
Whack. "Ow! Fuck! You really _are_ hard!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Shut up, Call."  
  
***  
  
A lovelorn sigh.  
  
"Seriously? You like that mustache?"  
  
"It's not just the mustache. It's the smile, the uniform, the... _Seth Roganness_ of him. He's hot. I'd fuck him all night and then I'd make him waffles for breakfast, that's how hot he is."  
  
"Huh. So you like blond, slightly over-weight white guys, huh?"  
  
"Well, not _exclusively_. I can be flexible."  
  
"Oh, _can_ you."  
  
"Shut up, Call."  
  
***  
  
"Oh, my God. Period blood. I'm going to puke."  
  
"You pussy."  
  
"Why didn't you warn me about this? How did this movie make it pass the censors?"  
  
"This is the unrated version, but I'm pretty sure the period blood was in the theaters, too."  
  
"That's sick. They just spring it on you like that!"  
  
"What were they supposed to do, put it in the fucking previews? 'Come see Superbad, rated R for language, underage drinking, and menstrual cycles'?"  
  
"That would've been the fair thing to do, yes. Ugh."  
  
"Shut up, Call."  
  
***  
  
It was about two-thirds of the way through the movie, four beers later, and after Mia had been resting her head on his shoulder for over fifteen minutes, that Embry decided to go for the tried-and-true move. "Want a shoulder massage? You look tense."  
  
Mia lifted her head and gave him a Look. Embry just raised an eyebrow.  
  
Finally, she sighed. "Okay. But keep your hands outside the shirt."  
  
"Yes, ma'am." Embry scooted behind Mia, brushed her hair out of the way, put his hands in a totally unobjectionable position on her shoulders, and started to rub his thumbs in concentric circles against the stiff muscles next to her spine.  
  
Mia moaned, loud and long. "Fuck. You're actually good at this."  
  
It occurred to Embry, for about the hundredth time, that Mia was really fucking hot. "I'm good at lots of things." Mia didn't even offer a witty comeback for that one. She just relaxed into his touch as he dug deeper into back. "Jeez. Okay, I admit, I only offered hoping to cop a feel, but you really _are_ tight back here."  
  
Instead of hitting him again, Mia just snorted. "I might _let_ you cop a feel if you keep this up." Embry's eyebrows raised -- along with other parts of him. "Goddamn, that feels fantastic. And your hands are _really_ warm. How are you not taken, Call?"  
  
Embry shrugged, moving his hands a little lower, massaging just under her shoulder blades. "Dunno. It's not like I don't hook up, but... guess I haven't found someone I actually want to be around regularly, you know?" He frowned for a moment, then figured he may as well just go for it. Four beers probably had something to do with that decision. "At least, not someone that will say 'yes' when I ask her to go out with me."  
  
Mia stiffened slightly, so Embry grabbed her shoulder and pressed the heel of his hand into her lower back, hard. She moaned and relaxed. "You pained a dick on my diner. I'm not going out with you."  
  
"I painted a dick on your diner," he countered, "because you wouldn't give me the time of day."  
  
"What are you, eight? Are you going to pull my pigtails next?" She paused, and even though she was facing away, Embry could practically see her eyes narrowing. "And I thought you painted the dick because it was a dare."  
  
Embry swallowed. "Um, yeah," he said, backpedaling. "Well, it was a dare to paint a dick on, you know, _any_ restaurant. I just... kind of picked yours."  
  
He could feel her grumble under his hands. "I'm adding to your years of servitude for this."  
  
"Done and done. How about dinner?"  
  
"No."  
  
Embry blew out a frustrated breath. "Why not?"  
  
"Because you're fake-dating my friend, and that would mean you're fake-cheating. You shouldn't be a fake-cheater, Call, it's trashy."  
  
"You wouldn't go out with me before the fake-dating thing either," he said stubbornly. "C'mon. Do you seriously not like me?" He was pretty sure that wasn't it. Once or twice he'd caught her checking him out out of the corner of his eye. Wolves knew these things.  
  
Mia sighed. "No. I guess it's not that." Embry smiled with satisfaction. "I just... I don't have time to date, okay? The diner keeps me really fucking busy."  
  
"People manage to date and work at the same time. It's really not that difficult."  
  
"Yeah, but..." Mia's muscles were stiffening again, and Embry rubbed more firmly, trying to be careful and not accidentally press too hard and break something. "Look, my grandfather left me this place, all right? He left it to _me_ , and not my idiot brother. Not everyone thinks that was smart. That's why Sebastian tattles to Mom all the time. They're just... waiting for me to fuck it up."  
  
Embry kept rubbing, maybe moving his hand a little more to the side than he needed to, maybe doing more stroking than rubbing. "You're not going to fuck it up."  
  
"You're goddamn right I'm not," Mia said, her voice hard. "But I need to stay on top of things around here. I don't have time for much else."  
  
"I'm pretty low-maintenance."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"I am. Seriously, Mia, I wouldn't expect you to be glued to my side every second. I've got shit going on, too. I'm not proposing marriage; I'm proposing we hang out, see some movies, go mini-golfing or some date shit like that, and intersperse it all with mind-blowing sex."  
  
Mia snorted again. "You're so sure it would be mind-blowing?"  
  
"Yes," Embry said. "I'm sure." Throwing caution to the wind, he leaned forward slightly and kissed the back of Mia's neck, just below her hairline.  
  
He heard her heartbeat speed up.  
  
Score.  
  
"I'm a simple guy, Mia," he said softly, his lips brushing against her skin as he spoke. "I like you. I'd like to see you in a romantic social capacity. It's really not any more complex than that."  
  
Mia sighed, and one of her hands came around to stroke Embry's thigh. "I'll think about it," she said quietly. "And we'll see. _After_ this Jacob and Bella thing is settled."  
  
Embry groaned. "Oh, come on. Seriously?"  
  
"I told you, it's trashy to be a fake-cheater."  
  
"Fuck. So we've been sucked into the Swan Vortex. This just fucking figures."  
  
Mia turned her head to look at Embry in confusion. "I'm sorry, the what?"  
  
"The Swan Vortex," Embry explained. "The guys and I figured out years ago that anything -- _anything_ \-- involving Bella Swan winds up being ten times more difficult than it needs to be. She's like a walking plague of complications."  
  
"Watch it, that's my friend you're talking about there," Mia warned. "Don't you know the first rule of dating? Never talk shit about the sisterhood."  
  
"I'm not talking shit, I'm just stating the facts. You won't be my girlfriend because I'm fake-dating your friend so that _my_ friend will break up with _his_ girlfriend and hook back up with your friend who is also kind of his ex-girlfriend but not really since he never got past first base. That's Swan Vortex all over."  
  
"Point conceded," Mia said grudgingly. "It still doesn't change anything. We wait until this shit is over and your debt is paid... then we talk about the mind-blowing sex. And the dating thing too, I guess."  
  
Embry grinned. "Glad you've got your priorities in order."  
  
"Damn straight. Besides, sex takes up less time than dating."  
  
"Not when _I_ do it."  
  
Mia rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Call."  
  
***  
  
Half an hour later, Mia was snoring on the floor, utterly relaxed from her massage, and Embry was staring at the laptop in wonder. "That... is a lot of dicks." Then he shook his head. "Riding a missile. Fuck, wish _I'd_ thought of that."


	4. Chapter 4

**_Black Friday was not what Embry had had in mind._ **  
_[_ _[Unimpressed](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6103084/1/Unimpressed)!verse_ _. Post-fic. Romance/Humor. NC-17.]_

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"You are insane," Embry said to the closed changing room door. "You are seriously insane."

"No, I'm a girl on a budget," a voice called back. "After Thanksgiving deals are the best and I've gotta shitload of Christmas shopping to do."

Embry glanced around at the department store, stuffed to the brim with shoppers (mostly women) who were all rummaging through sixty percent off sales racks and two-for-one shoe displays. The little alcove that held three small dressing rooms didn't do much to block the noise of the ravaging Black Friday hoardes. He glanced down at his wristwatch. It was eight-oh-nine in the morning. "When I said I would come down for Thanksgiving, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind," he grumbled.

"Loan me the three hundred or so dollars I'm going to save today and I promise we'll leave right now." Mia sounded annoyed. "Otherwise, can it. Bella's got smaller boobs than me, right?"

Embry threw up his hands instantly, even though Mia couldn't see him. "I don't know. I never looked. I have absolutely no idea what the difference is in your breast sizes because I have never in a million years even considered thinking about that sort of degrading-"

" _Call_."

"-Bella's at least a cup size smaller, maybe two."

"Thank you."

"Why?"

Mia nudged the dressing room door open just a crack, blocking her body from the rest of the shoppers. "This shirt would look good on her, right?" She held out her arms. "I mean, she likes plaid. And I think it would probably fit her, we're the same around the waist."

Embry looked. The button-up shirt did indeed fit around the middle. That was also where the buttons stopped coming together. The front was open from just above Mia's navel; the tightness of the fabric pressed at her (larger than Bella's) chest, forcing her breasts in and up until they were almost out of her black lace bra.

"Call? Are you listening to me?"

Embry stepped inside the dressing room without a word and shut the door behind him.

"What the fuck are you doing-" Mia found her words cut off in a hurry by a pair of hot lips moving hard against hers. She responded quickly, digging her fingers into Embry's hair as he backed her against the full-length mirror - not that there was much backing to do, since the dressing room barely fit the two of them. The glass felt cold against Embry's knee as he wedged his thigh between Mia's legs, grinding her against him. This was perhaps not the smartest idea ever, but the long distance relationship was wearing on him, and he wasn't altogether thrilled about being out of bed this goddamn early in the morning when he could have been eating, sleeping, or having sex. The way Embry figured it, he ought to get at least one out of three.

He pulled away just long enough to yank off his shirt. "This is gonna have to be quick, babe, or we'll get caught."

"Yeah, okay," Mia said, unbuttoning her jeans. Then she paused and glared at her boyfriend viciously. "Not _too_ fucking quick, though, right?"

Embry grinned wolfishly at her. "Don't worry, I'll get the job done." He glanced overhead briefly, checking for cameras. "Think the security guys are watching?"

"Probably. Let's give 'em a show."

(It was comments like _that_ that reassured Embry it had been a good idea to transfer to VTech.)

Mia was naked from the waist down - her public hair in a landing strip, something Embry had been surprised to discover he really fucking _loved_ \- and her fingers went to the buttons of the plaid shirt. He pushed her hand aside. "Leave it on," he said as he stepped out of his shorts and boxers, his eyes on the way her cleavage rose and fell with every breath. "I like it."

"Perv."

"Hey, I'm a guy. And it makes your tits look extra-good."

Mia rolled her eyes as she reached down and wrapped her hand around Embry's already stiff cock, smirking as he hissed with pleasure. "Are you saying they don't look good all the time?"

"No... I mean yes, I just... uh..." Embry tried to put together a coherent response that wouldn't get him into trouble, which was next to impossible while Mia's hand was stroking him like that. Too much more and he _would_ have some trouble 'getting the job done.' (Mia was really fucking talented at handjobs, and frankly he didn't really want to know how she'd gotten so good at it. He was the beneficiary, after all, and though he hadn't mentioned it to her yet, he had every intention of being the _final_ beneficiary.) "Shit, you know what I mean, just leave it on."

"Fine, fine, have it your-" She stopped speaking abruptly as voices suddenly echoed in the little alcove.

"Oh, I can't _wait_ to try this dress!"

"Doesn't Mackenzie have one just like it?"

"Oh, she _doesn't_ , does she?"

"She _totes_ does."

"Oh _noes!_ "

Embry glanced down; three pairs of UGG boots were just outside their dressing room, standing in front of the mirrors, presumably modeling Mackenzie's dress.

Mia glared at the door furiously, as though she make the girls burst into flame even though they were out of her line of sight. "Stupid little bitches," she muttered so quietly that Embry could barely hear her; she let go of his dick and reached down for her pants.

Oh, no. "Forget them," Embry whispered into her ear as he nudged her thighs apart with his knee. Mia gave him an incredulous look before Embry covered her mouth with a harsh kiss... and swallowed her gasp as he pushed into her.

He'd been in town for about thirty-six hours. This was the beginning of the sixth time they'd had sex (seven, if you counted the blowjob in the shower). And Embry was still absolutely positive that there was no way he'd be able to hold out long enough to get Mia back to her apartment. He'd just have to fuck her here in the dressing room, whether there were UGG boots outside or not.

Being in a long distance relationship did interesting things to your body.

Mia's fingernails dug into his shoulders as each thrust raised her onto her tiptoes; Embry made an effort to ignore that (fuck it felt good) and listen instead to the conversation outside. This needed to be over quickly, but not _that_ quickly, and he needed a distraction.

"So Jordan-"

-thrust-

"-said that Olivia-"

-thrust-

"-wants to go to-"

-thrust-

"-prom with Greg-"

-thrust-

"I heard that from Lil. Hey, are all these open?" The UGG boots came closer, and blond hair brushed the floor as a girl peeked under the dressing room to their left.

Embry grabbed Mia behind the knees and lifted her off the ground, wrapping her legs around his waist. Mia made a tiny noise against his mouth, but he swallowed that, too.

When the blond hair peeked under their door, the UGG girl only saw one pair of feet. "Oops. Sorry."

"No problem, just finishing up," Embry said calmly, ignoring the glare that Mia gave him. Then he tilted his hips in the way he'd learned made her scream (hopefully she wouldn't right now), going deep to hit the spot that always seemed to work like a charm.

Given the way Mia's legs suddenly tightened around him, it seemed like it would work this time, too.

Embry kept his mouth against hers, tasting her as he slid in and out, feeling the way she scratched at his back. _God_ she felt good. All slickness and soft below with the sharpness of her nails against his skin - he loved that she was both soft and sharp, it was everything _Mia_ and you know he really did love her and not just when she was about to make him come, how about that-

Mia made a tiny noise in the back of her throat, and her whole body tightened around him - her arms, her legs, her cunt, _everything_ \- and he came a moment later, the spasms of her body milking his orgasm out of him with ruthless efficiency. He managed to be silent, but only because this was the sixth time they'd had sex. If it had been longer than ten hours since their last time nothing would have stopped him from moaning like he was in a bad porn... and then Mia would never stop giving him shit about it.

He gently lowered Mia to the ground; the mirror squeaked as her naked skin dragged along the surface. As always, Mia put her clothes back on in a calm no-nonsense fashion, as though she hadn't been orgasming in his arms thirty seconds earlier. (He had no idea how she did it, given that he always felt the need to lay in bed and be smug for at least half an hour afterward.) "Okay," Mia said as she took off the shirt and folded it gently. "Once we're done here, we'll hit Best Buy. They've got a sale on iPod nanos."

Embry groaned. "Oh, seriously, come on-"

"Don't whine," Mia said, smacking him. "We're making good time. At this rate we'll be done by noon."

" _Noon?_ " Embry checked his watch again: eight twenty-six AM. "Seriously?"

"Quit being a little bitch. Noon is great for Black Friday."

When they opened the dressing room door, Embry and Mia were met with the wide-eyed stares of three sixteen-year-old girls in UGG boots.

Mia gave the girls a very severe look. "Remember," she said firmly, "get on the pill before you fuck in public. Otherwise it's just trashy. C'mon, Embry." And she grabbed his hand and led him toward the kitchen supply section of the department store.

 

* * *

 

(Bella loved the shirt.)


End file.
